Maus and the Sugar Daddy
Everyone has one of those friends that is well... unique in every possible way. They do stuff that's really awesome most of the time, but every once in a while, their ideas just don't quite reflect the good decision-making skills we hold our them up to.
I met Maus in freshman year of college during that point of where you can have 200 friends because you did something social with them at some point in your college experience. This person was very unique, and I really had some fun adventures with him. He was a pretty interesting person, had some weird outlooks on life, and an extremely innocent mentality, which really ties into this story. Unfortunately he was no longer at my college after his second year, and I'm not sure why.
This story is derived from one of my college buddies Tadachi. He was Maus's suitemate and experienced the majority of the events. I have heard the story over and over again, and was apparently present for a good amount of the events unfolding, but did not actually know what was going on until a week later.
Maus was talking with some friends about deciding on what to do after college. One of the girls there suggested that he find a "Sugar Momma" to pay for what he needs and wants in the future, completely as a joke.
Maus apparently did not see the sarcasm in this conversation decided to ask his suite-mates for help in posting a Craigslist Ad to find a "Sugar Momma" for his financial needs. His suite-mates helped him post it as a joke because they thought no one would actually respond to that kind of ad. A few weeks later, Maus had no such luck with the ladies, but did get a bunch of male responses. Being the clever boy he is, he decided to re-post an ad for male-for-male as opposed to the male-for-female that was unsuccessful.
The advice given to him by his suite-mates was "You're going to get raped". Short, sweet, and to the point... exactly how these "Sugar Daddys" would be with him after they drug him. Maus's response to this was to wear two belts, so that way he couldn't be raped. When he went to class that day, his suite-mates stole his ethernet cable from his computer so he wouldn't be able to respond to these ads(note this was before the smartphone era came full blast). They would return it on the terms that he would not respond to the ads. He agreed and was given back his cable.
Another week passes, and Tadachi gets a message from a mutual friend asking if he was aware of the "date" that Maus had set up with his "Sugar Daddy". He was going to see Nightmare Before Christmas 3D with this guy, so Tadachi and the rest of the suite staged an intervention. Now, they didn't stage it in the dorm hall, or with a therapist, or anything like that. They met him at the dining hall. Ignoring the pleas to stay, Maus decided to take a bottle of Tabasco sauce with him, to deter any chances of rape. His thought was that if the guy came onto him, he would splash it in his face and run away. He then informed the group that his "date" was at the Starbucks in town and meeting him in an hour or so.
Maus went back to the dorm to take a shower. After he exited the shower, his friends tried sabotaging him by putting whipped cream in his hair to keep him on campus. Maus was basically barricaded inside and couldn't leave. He then got irrational about it. He threatened to jump out of the third floor window to get out of the dorm and meet his Sugar Daddy. When his friends tried to check outside to make sure he wouldn't do it, he ran out the dorm, pushing someone aside and escaping the protection of his friends. From all the commotion, an RA came out and asked what the hell was going on. Tadachi had to explain to the RA what was going on so his recollection of this story takes a brief pause.
According to another friend Poland, Maus tried to get into this guy's car, but his friends got there in time to hold him back. The old guy is coming towards the group, and Poland tries his best to scare the shit out of the guy, threatening him if he comes any closer. In the meantime, there's a campus tour going on, the old guy isn't leaving, and three people are holding down Maus for his own good. After enough threats, the old guy leaves and Maus is brought back inside. In the commotion, they managed to get his wallet and phone.
Later, this creeper started trying to call Maus's phone over and over again, but hung up every time someone other than him answered the phone. He then turned off the phone so he couldn't be called back. I bet there was a lot of worry running in his head of dealing with the shit that just went on, and how there would most likely be a police investigation on his part.
In the aftermath of it all, Tadachi and Poland had to explain to the RAs what happened, and since Maus was 19, he legally had the right to get into that creepy guy's car. By being restrained and having his rights violated, 4 of Maus's friends were written up for their actions(as a formality, and write ups don't mean shit until you really fuck up and they need ammo to kick you out). Nonetheless, Maus was pissed off, and had no understanding of the selfless acts of his friends.
To wind down after a really fucked-up day, Maus's friends(excluding Maus) decided to hit up a Battle of the Bands at a local bar/club and relax. Apparently, Maus posted on Facebook that he "“…is not going to see NBX3D because his friends stopped him… ‘for his own good.’” Making it clear that Maus had no idea why his friends had done what they did. Apparently, having your penis chopped off and made into a wind chime did not cross his mind as a consequence of his actions.
Found this lovely gem online, I think it suits the last sentence of the story.