The Anonymous Bachelor Party

Note: All parties wish to be completely anonymous in these events, so I have to be as vague as possible.

This story is a recollection of the events from a Saturday night for my friend who wishes to be anonymous. I know him through a friend's friend. When I first met him, I thought I finally found a drinking buddy that will join me on the weekends during some drinkfests. Unfortunately, this guy gave up heavy drinking since college due to some hilarious things he has done during those years. Later on, you'll figure out why he takes it easy now.

At one point, another friend, the bachelor and myself were sitting around at work thinking about what to do for the bachelor party, and how we could try to embarrass him in front of his brothers and friends. We decided to go to Salvation Army and buy the absolute worst suits of all time to really show off at the party. It's amazing how they always have what you need. Here's my suit:

I was going for 80's Used Car Salesman

A friend and I decided to drive to the bachelor's home town to celebrate his bachelor party on a Saturday. The trip was 4.5 hours and really boring. My friend and I spent the trip sharing stories about some recent adventures involving a co-worker. The plan was to start at one bar where they had a junkfood buffet and a pitcher of beer for each person attending. This party was going to be a lot of fun as a pre-gamer, as it was a sports bar that had no girls there for the bachelor.

A couple hours pass, and my friend and I have exhausted the supply of beer. We had also been feeding the bachelor many many drinks during the entire time. This guy isn't a beer drinker, so we got him Rum and Cokes, double. The first one I got, I asked the bartender for a double for the bachelor, and his response was "Fuck it, I'll make it a triple, no charge". That man earned himself some nice tips from me that night, and he deserved them.

After about 3 triple Rum and Cokes, the bachelor can't stop smiling and is wobbling back and forth, talking to everyone, and pushing them around. This is how a bachelor party should warm up, with the bachelor getting sauced and in need to be carried to the next bar.

At some point, the bachelor wants to fight me, but not in a bad way. "How can you be mad at a guy in such a fancy suit?", I ask. It just makes him madder. Okay, time to talk to other people.

Later on, the bachelor is being convinced he wants to go to the strip club. He screams "LET'S SEE SOME TITTIES" and kicks the bar door open, walks about 7 steps, and falls down. Looks like he drank a bit too much. At that point, we're all chilling while he's seated up against a wall, falling asleep. We bullshit around, some guys have a few cigars, and we just hang around for about an hour.

At about the same time we decide to get the bachelor up and to the club, a homeless guy comes up to us and asks us permission to use the bathroom. We don't know, so we give him the okay. He comes out mad that he can't use the bathroom without either buying something or paying $3.00. In the middle of his complaint, the bachelor wakes up from his drunken slumber, looks at the homeless guy, mutters "Seriously dude, shut the fuck up" and throws a cup full of water at him. We all lose it laughing and the guy doesn't even know what to do. Holy shit, a homeless man is going to stab someone tonight. We suggest that he leave and give him an apology on his way out. As he leaves, we lose it, laughing him away. He goes to someone just about to enter the bar and tells him the story. When the guy walks into the bar, he congratulates the bachelor. I want to drink with that guy tonight.

At this point, we decide the bachelor isn't good to hit the town. He can barely stand, his eyes are not focused, and he's muttering a lot of funny shit that would probably get us kicked out of anywhere we went. I feared he would punch a stripper. His brother takes him home and we all decide to go to another bar.

When we arrive, the friend and I enter the bar with style. People are staring as we grab drinks and immediately head to the dance floor. We look stupid enough already, let's go all the way. We own the dance floor and get just about everyone there. My friend goes around telling everyone that I am now the bachelor and getting married next month. Girls think it's sweet, and I retort as an asshole. Girls ask how long we've been dating, and I give them varied answers. 2 months, she flies in from Russia next Tuesday, and the classic "long enough to know I can deal with the bullshit on a daily basis". Sometimes this was seen as funny, other times insulting. Didn't care, I was apparently getting married.

For the rest of the night, there wasn't anything great going on. My friend and I, in our 80's suits, decide to own the dance floor dancing like old men. Imagine Frank from Always Sunny doing that creepy dance. We took it to an entirely new level. All throughout the process of this, my friend is taking pictures of me with random women, telling them I'm getting married.

At one point, my friend and I split up and I wound up a really sleazy strip club with some other attendees of the bachelor party. I had packed some Chinese Finger Traps in my inner coat pocket, and gave them to the guys at the club. They would drop a few singles, and then hold out a finger trap, which turned out to be pretty funny. The strippers used them to control the guys' hands to hopefully earn a few more dollars. I heard one stripper yell "I got tipped in finger traps!" as she went backstage.

And then there was Methteeth...

Every strip club has at least one girl that no one is proud of. It's just like the friend of the group that no one likes, but tolerates their shit for some reason. For guys, maybe they're kept around to make fun of, or maybe this person's a bigger asshole to the point of where you forget your other friends are assholes. For girls, it's to look hotter by proximity and feel less bitchy about themselves.

At one point, a girl came onto stage who was good looking, until she smiled. It was quite obvious that this girl had a drug habit or didn't know what a toothbrush was, maybe both. Her teeth were literally jagged, pointed, and brown. It was very disturbing. I hope no one went backstage with her, for obvious reasons.

At some point, Methteeth talks to one of the guys in our group. She was literally right in his face, trying to negotiate a half-hour in a private room. I think he was interested until he made a joke and she laughed, because this guy literally stopped smiling, turned around and sat down with us. Damn.

After all these events, the bars were closing. It was time to find a ride back to the hotel and crash. We get a ride from a designated driver from the group and offer him breakfast in the morning, but he had to head out earlier than we would be able to wake up, so we thank him and go on our way. We meet the midnight host at the hotel at around 3am and she tells us about a bar we were at that offers steak, eggs and beer for breakfast because of the nurses and overnight shifts that go on in this town. We figure it would be a great time to tell a few stories, have a beer in the morning, and get ready for the trip home ahead of us. We show up, and no one is there. Instead, we find a buffet and sit next to an older couple that loved the adventures from last night that we told them. For people in their 60's, they definitely seemed like the party type. I left them my website and we went on our way.

I have some awesome pictures of what my friend wore with me, but I'm waiting on him to send them to me. Once I get them, I'll post them for your entertainment.