The Mayor's Bachelor Party
Disclaimer: This story isn't so much about being immature or getting crazy drunk, but rather a story narrated to help anyone out who wants to give a bachelor party a little pickup. Most guys think going to a strip club is a great idea for a bachelor party, and that basically comes down to preference. Instead, I would like to simply recall the events that we did and how much of an awesome time our day was.
We began the day around 11:30 when Mayor's brother and I met up to kidnap Mayor. He was running a little late, so I took the liberty of buying a bunch of different things that could really help the night be something special. I bought the following items:
- 8 Red Bulls
- 4 Rockstar Energy Drinks
- 12 plastic bead necklaces
- a Bachelorette sash
- 6 Chinese finger traps
- a cap gun with caps
- a laser pointer
Also, I must note that I wore a very special shirt today with hopes of it being a huge hit. It was. You'll see the shirt later.
Now, I'm sure that you're reading through these and getting ideas how we used them. The short answer to it is yes. I'll revisit these items later as the story progresses.
Mayor's brother and myself decide that we should kidnap Mayor and bring him somewhere. We sneak around back, myself wearing a Bill Clinton mask and Mayor's brother wearing a ski mask, when we're approached by Mayor's brother in law. He informs us that Mayor's brother's kid is sleeping, and we call off the kidnapping. We had cap guns and air soft guns ready too...
First thing's first, we decide we have to do a bunch of fun stuff before hitting the town. We decide to do some indoor rock climbing, because it's awesome. There's just something very poetic how your harness grabs you because a dude is wearing the same exact harness on the other end of the line. Nonetheless, we actually did have a lot of fun. The entire time there, I was rocking my very special shirt, and here is that shirt:
Obviously, I'm the guy in The Kitty Shirt. Our safety instructor literally stopped his safety instructions mid sentence to tell me how amazing it was. He also told the rest of the staff about it and they thought it was amazing. Also, notice how the climbing rope represents a noose for the groom to be.
After the rock climbing session, we decided to stop by a local mall and play some paintball. We wanted to cram as much extreme and awesome indoor sport in our day to maximize the fun we had. We ended up playing with a bunch of cool people who had overpriced guns, and whipped our asses but it was worth it.
Then came my little idea for a side trip. I take Mayor and we head to Spencer's gifts to buy a few adult themed items to see where this wise investment would take us. We immediately shoot to the back section and start looking at sex toys. My vision was originally to have everyone with a sex toy, spray paint it gold, and rock it flava flav stlye to the bars we were going to go to. Turns out sex toys are pricey for a group of up to 8 people, and given the recent experience with bouncers in our target town, it probably wasn't the best bang for out buck. Instead, we bought a blow up doll and a penis-nose glasses to see what hilarity we can pull from this.
We decided to head back to the house for a bit to recover from the paint and welts left from paintball. Mayor has a surprise for us. He bought a tux for tonight. A fucking tux, at JC Penny for $28. I wish we had all gotten in on it, but this still priceless. Mayor looked fantastic, and that bachelorette sash I bought complimented it perfectly.
Next was time for dinner, which was amazing. We went to a bar-grill that had the greasiest and most manly food ever. We decided it would be a good idea to order two sampler platters of the greasiest stuff imaginable, and ate it to complete content, and then had more greasy food. I had a blue cheese cheeseburger and absolutely loved it. I saved half for later, which was the best choice ever.
Once dinner was over, we said goodbye to the people that either were too young(Mayor's younger cousin) or didn't drink, and started our adventure to our party destination. One of Mayor's friends got a motel room next to a strip club, which seemed like a really funny idea until we came to the realization that this motel is primarily in business because it's next... to a fucking strip club. Greaaaaaaaat.
Anyways, after dropping stuff off at the room and heading out to town, I decide that this is the perfect time to inflate the blow-up doll. It's fully blown up by the time we get to our first destination, which is a country club that was extremely "southern", but had line dancing. We figure "why not?" and park. Before leaving the car, we decide it's a fantastic idea to leave Jessica behind the wheel in case we need a ride back that night.
I'm assuming that for the rest of the night, people walked by and had a great laugh. It would have ultimately been my goal to sneak her into a bar and inflate her mid dance floor, but every bar around here has pat-downs and/or metal detectors at the door, and I wasn't going to eliminate any bar from our night of choices. That honor will be mine on my bachelor party night.
After much giggling and chugging of Red Bulls, we decide to enter the first bar.
You know that popular scene where you walk into a bar and the music stops, and just about everyone turns and looks at you? Well, I felt like that. We were all dressed up for a night on the town and everyone else in this bar was wearing plaid, cowboy boots, and/or a hat. It was like we seriously stepped into a Wild West tourist town. I was definitely expecting someone to come up and pretend it's the year 1850 and there's a gold rush in the nearby area.
After some debating of what to do after this bar, we have a few drinks and then head out. Our driver parks further in town and we leave Jessica to guard the car.
We arrive at the first bar and start drinking. Heavily. While I really can't get into a lot of detail of what we did, I can give the following:
- Plastic beads are like super-currency at bars. Doesn't matter who you give them to, you're getting something better in return. Lots of hugs from girls, drinks from people, and unfolding adventure due to these mass-produced items.
- Chinese finger traps work so much better than anyone would ever imagine. Take one, put it on your finger, and approach a girl with the trap pointed out. Chances are this childhood toy will completely shatter her guard and she will oblige by putting her finger in it(that's what she said). Now, once this happens, LEAD HER TO THE DANCEFLOOR. It works 100% of the time, every time.
- The bachelorette sash(note we crossed off the "ette" with sharpie marker) was another huge attention grabber. Guys bought Mayor drinks, giving their 2 cents on marriage, girls came over, and the bachelorette party had their bride-to-be wearing the same exact sash.
- Laser Pointer was a bad idea, so I didn't use it. There were bouncers everywhere and I didn't want us kicked out.
Finally, my secret weapon was ready to be tested on the public. Remember my Kitty Shirt? Well, we decided to see just how much attention I could gather by simply unbuttoning my dress shirt and letting the Kitty Shirt shine in all its glory.
Let me tell you a little something about kitty shirts. BITCHES LOVE KITTY SHIRTS. Every single girl's reaction was the same. Mayor's brother or I would tell them that I had the best shirt on ever, and they would give me a skeptical look as if it were a horrible pickup line. Upon seeing the shirt, every reaction was the same. The girl(s) would scream, throw their hands up in the air, and go in for a hug. Every. Single. Time. In case you haven't read other stories, I thoroughly enjoy being the center of attention. I felt very much like Alan from The Hangover, with the shirt.
The night ended up being a lot of fun. Like I said, this is more of an inspiring story to help your party be fun. That's all you get for the night's events.
However, one of the funniest moments was on the drive back to Mayor's house, where our cars were. I decided to sit in the back seat with Jessica and give Mayor shotgun. Mayor's brother drove. Being hung over but still craving entertainment, I decided to do two things:
- Take the plastic penis from the glasses and put it so that it was protruding from the doll's mouth.
- Lay down in the back seat and wait for the cue from Mayor.
We would drive up next to cars so they would look to their right, and they would see the blowup doll. However, when given the cue, I would turn her body left so it was looking at the driver, all the while having a penis protruding from its mouth. We actually ran into a bunch of high school students and they ended up taking a video of it. If you're reading this, I want the video.